Never have I imagined in my life, there'd be that one thing I really want to talk about.. NEED to talk about and I just can't!
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm the True North for all things sanguine. And boy can I run my mouth! (And recently my fingers). But yes, I'm generally a life-of-the-party type of girl especially when I warm up to people. People rarely take me seriously, well because, I'm never that serious and never is IT. Where IT is x, find x. I'm also that girl that you can tell ANYTHING. Anything at all. Nothing fazes me. Oh you had sex with a dog? Oh wow. How was that? (Okay please don't confess your beastiality to me. I. Will. Faint). But yes, I've heard about everything this world has to offer in terms of stories. People for some reason, find me approachable; they reckon I'm that person that won't judge them. And once in a while I do offer some great solutions to their problems... assuming they are at the point where they actually consider they could have a problem.
Alicios Theluji sang this lovely song that is the theme of my life right now. Well not really the theme, because it's been a while since I had to iron HBs shirt and he threw it back at me or snatched money from my wallet. But just because she seems so conflicted! Here is this guy that she likes okay. He treats her like absolute crap! She's tired, she's had it with him.. but she's still there. Taking it like a girl! Sucking it up woman style. Again, no relation to me. I just love the Zouk beat in it and the video is absolutely lovely.
Back to me.
So I'm definitely that girl. I've had the benefit of living life longer than the 33 years I've walked the face of this earth. I definitely have been there and done that... I've had issues, subscriptions and nearly won lifetime awards for the drama that has been my life. I say benefit because life has been tough, but God has been good. I kid you not, but for God I'd surely be dead now... not entirely a bad thing, but I still have work to do in these parts. I say benefit, because I've lived a full life, and now I have a real life example for nearly every situation that people throw at me. Boy have I been there! You can't read it from my near-perfect poker face and smile. But I have lines beneath my eyes and scars in my heart that read different.
So now that I'm the one that needs a me... What happens? Do I talk to myself? Do I fix myself? Can I trust myself with me? Can I convince myself to do what I tell me to do? Will I listen to myself? Take my own advice as if I were giving it someone else that I care about deeply? Am I too full of myself to even want my own advice to begin with?
I never would have imagined being where I am right now, this April of 2014. I have been tamed. Brought down to my knees quite literally. And in my usual signature way, I have bent over several times and cried tears that felt like they were being manufactured in my toes and needed to travel painfully through my body to reach my eyes! It's unbelievable but I'm quite literally standing in a pit of quicksand, unable to get myself out and with no one to help me out. I'm actually standing by and watching myself sink in so deep, I'm not certain I will ever be able to get out.
And all this just after Easter. I should mention that the crucifixion and resurrection though an integral part of my walk with Christ has also been for me the toughest to absorb. I accept it. I know Christ needed to die that I may be saved (from myself), but I've never quite understood just why He NEEDED to die the way He did. I've never ever truly felt that my sin was so horrible, it needed to be beaten, pierced and crucified for me to get a chance to enter into Heaven. Well, now I know. Now I know, that there was no other way God would have accepted me for me. Definitely not now. I go to sleep every night and whisper to God to remember mercy. Because never have I needed His mercy more than I do today. I could have overdrawn on my grace, so I must cling to mercy.
So here I am. Talking to myself.
