How To Comfort The Bereaved

As I recover from what has been a living nightmare that was August 2013, I just need to write this down somewhere so that I never forget what to say or not to say to people that are bereaved. It's important. It must be done. So here goes. It's an article I found online and I've quoted the author at the bottom.

How to Comfort Someone

When a friend loses a loved one, our hearts ache for them. We want so much to comfort, soothe and make things better, yet we end up sputtering out the wrong words because we don’t know what to say when someone dies. “We’re trained not to discuss death,” says grief expert John Welshons, author of Awakening from Grief. “On top of that, we’re uncomfortable with silence, crying and sharing someone’s grief, so we try to fix grief instead.” Not only does that approach not work, but choosing the wrong words can cause more pain. Here’s why these nine common statements are particularly hurtful to grievers.

  You must be strong now. People need to fully express their grief before they can heal. Telling someone to pull herself together quickly isn’t helpful. “When my mother died when I was 12, everyone said, ‘Be strong. Take care of your dad,’” recalls David Kessler, co-author of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD. “They were all well-meaning, but what I could have used instead was people saying, ‘This is going to hurt, but I’m here for you.’” When in doubt, says Kessler, err on the side of silence. Sometimes the best thing to do is simply be there. “My co-author taught me if you’re not sure what to do, just listen.”

  Your loved one lived a good, long life. Some people think when someone lives to a ripe old age, there’s no cause for grieving when they pass away. But “the mourner is likely thinking, ‘However long I had my loved one wasn’t long enough,’” says certified grief counselor Marty Tousley, author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year. Gratitude for that long life may come later, she says, but in the beginning there’s only the agony of loss. Tousley says it’s important not to gloss over that and give the person who’s grieving a chance to share stories about their loved one.

  Everything happens for a reason. When you lose someone you love, it’s difficult to agree that his death was part of some grand cosmic plan. “We have to be careful not to make assumptions, as everyone reacts differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss and available support,” says Tousley. She suggests skipping clichés like this and instead giving the mourner some space to find her own answers. If you offer words, she says, try, “I hope I’m one of the people who comforts you in the weeks and months ahead.”

  I know exactly how you feel. Even if you’ve lost someone dear to you in the past, you can’t know exactly how someone else feels because you’re not in that person’s skin. Besides, trying to make a friend’s loss relatable to something you’ve gone through takes the focus off of their needs and places it on your experience. It might also end up offending. For example, you may have truly adored your dog who recently died, but equating that to losing a parent can sting. “You can’t compare losses,” says Kessler. “We can be in similar situations, but saying ‘I understand your loss’ gets us in trouble because we could be comparing a big loss with a small one.” Kessler says we’re better off just saying, “I love you and you’re not alone.”

  It’s time to put this behind you now (or don’t dwell on it). Loss can feel fresh for a while, so telling a grieving person to just get over it can sound cruel. “People think you should be done grieving after a year,” says Lori Pederson, who founded IDidNotKnowWhattoSay.com after she lost her mother. “But there are times when I still miss my mom—and it’s been 19 years.” She says we have to respect a person’s individual mourning process and also understand that grief can rise up on birthdays and holidays and from other reminders. “Grief isn’t something you get over,” says Pederson. “It’s something you learn to live with.”

  You’re still young. You can find another husband/have another child. A tragic loss—such as of a child or spouse at an early age—is an unbearable loss, but in wanting to help the mourner see that she can be happy again, we may say inappropriate things. “I knew a woman who lost her husband, and her mother said, ‘You can get married again,’” remembers Kessler. “I saw a devastated daughter but also a mother trying to help her daughter live the life her husband would have wanted her to live. Saying the wrong thing usually comes from wanting to help,” explains Kessler. Instead of focusing on the future, help that person celebrate the memory of her departed loved one by sharing a story about that person, he suggests.

  Let me know if you need anything (or call me if you need to talk). Mourners are often in an altered state, and they aren’t necessarily sure what they need, says Pedersen. Plus, they may not want to pick up the phone and burden others. When Pedersen lost her mom, friends showed up and figured out what was needed in the moment. Some people may feel that’s invasive, but Pedersen assures that visits and support with everyday chores are appreciated. “Clean the house, take the kids to school and go grocery shopping,” advises Pederson. Checking in on a person, and just sitting with them for a while, can go a long way, too, she says. Welshons adds that when his sister lost a child, she said the most helpful experience was having two friends come over every day and cry with her. It’s work for you to think of how to help, but it’s work worth doing.

  I'm sure you did all you could. Although you may feel you should acknowledge the heroic efforts of those who nursed loved ones through illness, refrain from saying this because you don’t know the full details of the relationship. What if the mourner resented the care- giving role, had a strained relationship with the deceased or feels guilty for not always being loving with the sick person? “I’ve only said it in cases where I was intimately familiar with how someone cared for a dying parent or spouse,” says Welshons. A better way to express this: “I’ve never seen anyone care for a loved one more completely than you have.”

  He’s in a better place now. After a long illness, it’s natural for us to feel relieved that the person isn’t suffering anymore. But the friend who lost a loved one may not be thinking along those same lines. Plus, they may not share your beliefs on what happens after death. “When a mourner hears that, they think, ‘a better place for my loved one is here, so why should I agree he should be elsewhere?’” Welshons suggests allowing them to share how the experience feels for them. “This is something most people won’t give a grieving person a chance to do, yet it’s one of the best things you can do to help.” 

Laurie Sue Brockway is author of Your Interfaith Wedding and Pet Prayers and Blessings. Read more: How to Comfort Someone - How to Help a Grieving Friend - Woman's Day