Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart; Again!

They say hindsight is 20:20. 

Whatever that means.

Steve Jobs also said at some graduation that you can only connect the dots going backwards.

Ever had a moment when you couldn't? When you couldn't find that first dot. You aren't even sure there was one. God was there just this one dot? This stupid dot that I'm discovering today? At the end? Ever looked back at a part of your life and saw black. Darkness. Pure unadulterated darkness. Deep darkness. Never has death looked so attractive! Actually, this has been the most painful season of my life after my mother's death. And you know how I'm not quite over that one yet, right?

I slept, and I woke up. On a random night in the last quarter of 2014. And somewhere there, there was a dot. At first I tried to make it go away. Tried to wish it off, shoo it off even. My dot was alive! And it birthed many more dots. Eventually I started to follow the trail of dots, not knowing where I'd end up but trusting that I'd be okay. Perfect even. Trusting that I'd been down so long, this dot, was finally my up. Trusting my heart long enough, to let go of my head, and strip myself bare.

And strip myself bare I did! 

I don't remember a time in my life when I've given so much of myself to another person and expected nothing in return. "Owe no one nothing but love" my bible says. Maybe I expected love. And for a moment there, in one of those million dots, there was love, given and received. Almost overwhelmingly given at first, then equally, and then unrequited. I clutched at every straw. In a bid to reverse the flow of the dots downstream I gave even more, loved even more, did even more. I talked, sought to understand, strategised. The dots needed to realign. I needed to get back on top.

I fought a losing battle for about a month. It ended with me grovelling, promising, vowing, leaving all my dignity at the feet of another human being. A mere mortal with so much command over me that I shut out the world and grieved for two days straight with no end to the pain in sight! And the dots never reconnected. They were scattered too far away. Words had been said, feelings caught. Every other word was a twist to the knife that had been dug deep into my heart.

I held the first dot. I was in control. I was on top of things. I'm sharper than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm better than this. So how the hell did I allow this to happen? When did I lose control? When did I give it all up? 

Anger. Bitterness. Pain. Repeat.

Now let's see how I sleep tonight!