I don't think you can use a statement like 'grieving is seasonal' until you've truly been torn apart with grief. Losing my mum has almost literally killed me! There are days, I can barely breathe! I spend endless hours watching TV, numbing away reality and disappearing in a world created by the Bruckheimers of this world. I've made friends with Elizabeth Keen and Meredith Gray. I've beaten the system with Neal Caffrey and Raymond Reddington. I'm the Next Great Baker and the Voice. And when I leave the walls of my house, I'm good old dependable me. Sitting outside a theatre waiting for a friend to have a baby; everyone oblivious to how much it hurts to remember sitting outside a theatre waiting for my Mum to come out. Her finally coming out after a successful operation. And her dying an hour later.
When I leave the confines of my house, I'm a Christian. Not just your typical Sunday Christian. I'm the high-capacity-volunteer type Christian. I teach classes in church. I host bible studies. I pray and post bible verses and remind my life group to have their quiet time each Thursday. When I leave the dark hole that I've been in since 31.7.13, I smile. I sing. I pray. Everyone asks me how I'm REALLY doing, when they really can't take the answer. I smile. I say, I am well.
When I post on Facebook, I don't say how many times my husband has found me muffling my wails with a towel, sitting hopelessly on the bathroom floor. I say, God is good. I am blessed. It is well. Far be it from me that I should say what I really feel. That would be an indication of my spiritual immaturity, wouldn't it? Because good Christians believe in the happily ever after that salvation offers. "I loved her, but God loved her more". "She's in a better place". "It was God's will". Isn't that what we good Christians believe? Far be it from me that I should experience a pain so deep, that only my children experiencing the same pain would keep me away from actually killing myself.
No I'm not suicidal.
Good Christians, trust in God. He is Sovereign. He knows best. He has plans for good not for evil, to give me a hope and a future. Good Christians refer to Job's story to remind ourselves that we don't have it that bad. "At least she saw you all through school". "At least she met her grandchildren". "It could have been worse". (I know I'm doing all my fullstops and apostrophes wrong, indulge me). Good Christians don't quote the Psalms 115:3 "Our God sits in heaven, He does WHATEVER pleases him". That's my go-to verse you know. God owes me nothing! It's like my kids questioning me; don't I know what's good for them? I do IT for THEIR good.
But God played us.
God played us a good one! That He did. Oh my goodness were we played! I don't even think the death hurts as much as the feeling that we were played. A healthy, living, breathing woman, going from normal, to a fear of being seriously ill, to a confirmation that it's really nothing, to a routine operation, that was successful, to calling us all by name post-op and leaving her resting, to death. We were played. And that angers me just as badly as it hurts. And yet, it PLEASED God.
I'm broken.
But I'm a good Christian. I would be misrepresenting Him, if I said how I really felt. It would mean that I truly don't walk the walk. Reminds me of one of the first things a friend said in her bid to comfort me... "Why don't you question God when He does good things for you, and yet you get angry when He allows the bad?" If I'm going to remain a good Christian. If I want 121 likes each time I post something Godly that my friends identify with. If I don't lock myself in my room and refuse to get up and out and attend my weekly life group meeting as usual. If I don't post and share verses on whatsapp. If I so much as look like my hurt could be overwhelming me. If I use up my precious time with friends sharing about the pain of losing my mum.The I would not be Grieving Graciously now would I?
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