But With God

There's been a running commentary in Kenya since the recent emergence of a number of advertisements by Unilever for their food additive Aromat. The words of the days these days are "But with Aromat..." life is made all the better, sweeter, nicer. You can add Aromat to your bad day and suddenly you will be walking on sunshine. Add Aromat to your fuel tank, see how fast that tanks up! Add Aromat to your payslip and join the board of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Add Aromat to a bad dress day and see a fashionista emerge instantaneously. But this Aromat has been overdone for sure. (Just so you know it has good amount of MSG so add Aromat at your own peril! Chema chajiuza!) But I'll tell you what we need to be talking about right this very minute.

But With God!

There seems to be a group of Christians that make God comparable to Aromat! An instant solution provider for all your needs, problems, everything! They make it look like that "Yes" to a life with Christ will suddenly make everything better, sweeter, nicer. "Just give your life to Jesus", they say. "Pray about it", they urge. "Talk to God about it", they insist, "You will be JUST fine!" And please don't get me wrong, I am signed, sealed and delivered by Christ and my very existence here on earth, I've realised, is to do God's work, God's way. And I find great joy in my salvation.

I'm also very real. Saved by grace and relying on His mercy every day. 

Depression is stupid! But with God... How people judged a young church girl who committed suicide some weeks back. Almost like they couldn't tie together how someone can be saved and serving in ministry and then CHOOSE to end her own life. "How was her walk with Christ?" they ask. "Has she been in a bible study?" they press. "It's important to pray about these things" they say. They speak completely oblivious to the torment and the pain that people with mental illnesses and those related to them go through each and every day. Think of the worst day you've had ever. Now make that every day. Now make those days endless. Now judge. 

"She's pregnant???? I thought she was saved??!!!" they question. As if salvation keeps your feet from walking into that bedroom and taking your clothes off. Or the reverse. "Dear Jesus, please don't let me get pregnant! Pleeeeease don't let me get pregnant!" Turning the Most High into some form of morning after pill. I put it to you, that sometimes it will take your head to dull out the lies from you heart and shout to your feet to walk away from a bad situation. God is not Aromat. You can't just sprinkle him last minute onto your toxic relationship. I assure you. I know. Most of the time, it will be a decision YOU will make to walk away. And yes, you can pray about it, but far be it from you, that you imagine the cherubs and seraphs will be sent to pull you away from that affair. Use your legs. Walk away.

I remember when, after a long hiatus, in 2007, I began once again to live a life worthy of the calling I received. The one thing I can never forget is how I had debts from hell to high heaven. I owed everyone!! I even owed my nanny money! That was the year I stopped taking calls. Because it was always going to be someone from the bank, or a friend asking when I'd pay. And I had a job then, go figure. Was living ten time above my means and very flashy about it. But didn't even have the peace to sleep soundly. I remember when I finally made the turnaround, making endless prayers to God about my debts and hoping, just like in the bible, that my creditors would find it in their hearts to cancel them. My favourite hymn at the time being "Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe..." To Him. Not to the bank. 

Debts will kill you, but with God..... No. Take it from me. They only go away when you pay them off. No Aromat solutions here! I remember sitting down with my then boyfriend, now husband (bless his heart) and writing down the list of everyone I owed. The first list was a serious edit. I was still trying to impress the guy. But by the time I got to the 4th revision, he knew I was in trouble. Needless to say a year later, I was debt free. More thanks to him and of course to God through whom all blessings flow.

There are no Aromat type solutions with God. Yes, He will help you, guide you, give you wisdom. But He is not a magician. In your walk with Christ, you're going to have to learn to use your head and your feet whenever you get into trouble. You might need to walk home instead of to the bar. Don't land in the bar and ask the Lord to lift you out... kama yeye ni Mungu! You will need to burn that porn yourself. You probably will want to call back that guy and tell him you changed your mind and don't want him to come over to your place. 

But with God... walk away. 

Rock Bottom

Ever felt like your life was spiralling out of control? Like it had a life of it's own? Yes, like your life had a life of its own. Yes. That feeling? It probably was or is.

I've felt this way for a long while now. Not years really. Months maybe. Like every decision I made was taking me deeper into the abyss. Like the consequences of my choices were lining up waiting to gobble me up one by one. Like any deeper, would be the lower ground floor of rock bottom.  A friend recently said to me, "Who knew rock bottom had a basement?" And no statement has resonated with me like his did. I mean who knew there was worse than rock bottom. 

I surely have been sinking into the abyss for a while now. On the surface I'm just the same old funny girl. Inside, I'm a shell of what I used to be, could have been, want to be. I wonder how many other people are living double lives like I am. Smiling and waving to the crowd; all the while dying inside. I cannot begin to explain it. But I know someone somewhere knows what I'm talking about. At the very least, God gets me. I definitely do feel like I'm caught up in hell. And every move I make, every wince, every grimace, only serves to push me further into hell. 

I am out of control. At least I think I am.

It only every occurs to me just how bad things are, when finally in the dead of night, in the silence, long after everyone has fallen asleep, long after the buzzing of my chat messages has stopped... in those moments, do I truly begin to reflect on what dish life has served me and how I've chosen to munch up every bit of it. Almost without a care. Almost without a second thought. Savouring every bite of madness that's on offer. Enjoying every bit of the self-destruction, the self-pity, the self-loathe. Enduring... nay enjoying every hedonistic bite. Falling asleep, not because I want to, but because I have to. Surrounded by the sounds of whatever music is coming through headphones that I now can't live without. Watching a few random episodes of a series. Or just thinking.

And waking up. Only to realise that status quo remains. The consequences continue to pursue me. The fear numbs me. The pain awakens me. The heart deceives me. I trudge slowly onward. Unsure about what lies ahead. I make a feeble attempt at a prayer. I seek to speak to someone, and yet, no one quite wants to listen. But God. Like David, I toss myself at Him. He who judges every so harshly and yet remains Abba. He whom David trusted more than man. 

2 Samuel 24:14

New Living Translation (NLT)

14 “I’m in a desperate situation!” David replied to Gad. “But let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great. Do not let me fall into human hands.”

I'm in a desperate situation. But let me fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great! Please do not let me fall into human hands. 

Rock bottom has a basement. I own it.