Rock Bottom

Ever felt like your life was spiralling out of control? Like it had a life of it's own? Yes, like your life had a life of its own. Yes. That feeling? It probably was or is.

I've felt this way for a long while now. Not years really. Months maybe. Like every decision I made was taking me deeper into the abyss. Like the consequences of my choices were lining up waiting to gobble me up one by one. Like any deeper, would be the lower ground floor of rock bottom.  A friend recently said to me, "Who knew rock bottom had a basement?" And no statement has resonated with me like his did. I mean who knew there was worse than rock bottom. 

I surely have been sinking into the abyss for a while now. On the surface I'm just the same old funny girl. Inside, I'm a shell of what I used to be, could have been, want to be. I wonder how many other people are living double lives like I am. Smiling and waving to the crowd; all the while dying inside. I cannot begin to explain it. But I know someone somewhere knows what I'm talking about. At the very least, God gets me. I definitely do feel like I'm caught up in hell. And every move I make, every wince, every grimace, only serves to push me further into hell. 

I am out of control. At least I think I am.

It only every occurs to me just how bad things are, when finally in the dead of night, in the silence, long after everyone has fallen asleep, long after the buzzing of my chat messages has stopped... in those moments, do I truly begin to reflect on what dish life has served me and how I've chosen to munch up every bit of it. Almost without a care. Almost without a second thought. Savouring every bite of madness that's on offer. Enjoying every bit of the self-destruction, the self-pity, the self-loathe. Enduring... nay enjoying every hedonistic bite. Falling asleep, not because I want to, but because I have to. Surrounded by the sounds of whatever music is coming through headphones that I now can't live without. Watching a few random episodes of a series. Or just thinking.

And waking up. Only to realise that status quo remains. The consequences continue to pursue me. The fear numbs me. The pain awakens me. The heart deceives me. I trudge slowly onward. Unsure about what lies ahead. I make a feeble attempt at a prayer. I seek to speak to someone, and yet, no one quite wants to listen. But God. Like David, I toss myself at Him. He who judges every so harshly and yet remains Abba. He whom David trusted more than man. 

2 Samuel 24:14

New Living Translation (NLT)

14 “I’m in a desperate situation!” David replied to Gad. “But let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great. Do not let me fall into human hands.”

I'm in a desperate situation. But let me fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great! Please do not let me fall into human hands. 

Rock bottom has a basement. I own it.