I've been thinking long and hard this week. Okay, I always think long and hard. My head is one big thinking machine. I worry that my thoughts will kill me. Probably why I needed this outlet to begin with.
Last week at parenting class, I met Tony who runs the Pre Marital Counselling Ministry at Mavuno. It was one of those God-incidences because turns out, the said ministry is in dire need of married couples to counsel those intending to walk in that path, (as well as those intending to walk AWAY from that path). Still I feel completely inadequate, I mean, HB and I's 7-month experience is nothing compared to the experience of people married 10 years and over. We may just end up arranging the chairs for class, anything to help. But seemingly there aren't enough married people in the church to give Godly counsel to these people. Or if they are, they aren't volunteering. But I'll write this assuming the former.
Why aren't Christian marriages working nowadays? Why am I hearing stories of people that stayed married for a cool two months and called it quits. People in church by the way. I'm not talking about Elin and Tiger. I'm talking about me and you. All church-ed up and Christian; bible-toting and scripture-quoting. We who pray and fast for God to send the 'right' person. We who kneel down in prayer at the aisle and share communion to seal our relationships. Why aren't we able to stay married? And if we are still married, why have we settled into being unhappily married? Why are we the ones hiding the sighs and tears behind the smiles? And no, I'm not saying that marriage isn't without it's sighs and tears.
I'm reading a book called "The DNA of Relationships" and in the intro Greg Smalley son of renowned marriage counselor Dr. Gary Smalley, describes how unhappily married he was for a long time despite his background and despite him announcing to his newlywed wife when they first got married that "..We won't be like those other couples who fight and get divorced. We will have a wonderful marriage.." Paraphrase. But he soon realized that happy marriage wasn't automatic. And this is what got me thinking. Thinking about Christian marriages in 2010, particularly in Kenya.
See, there is a general assumption that if two Christians get married, they will live happily ever after and run through the prairie with butterflies all around them.... you catch my drift. Mark Grungor of the "Laugh your way to a better marriage" fame aptly describes it when he sings and dances to "Somewhere over the rainbow.." It's painful to watch and listen to. But isn't that what we Christians believe? That if we are equally yoked, and read our bibles and pray everyday, and attend church with 'wifey' and 'hubby' in matching outfits, that it will be well with us and our marriages. At least that's what I thought. I thought everything would fall into place and I would automatically have such happy marriage, because HB was into God just like I was.
Boy was I wrong. I know all about the sighs and tears.
So 7 months down the line I'm finding myself dumping my auto-gear marriage and engaging a stick-shift instead. Because I've discovered that I need to manually shift things in my marriage for it to move in the direction that I want it to. I can't just put it into 'drive' and hope for the best. I might just find myself "Somewhere over the rainbow.." and HB on the other end of the rainbow wondering where I went.
So here is the thing. No. 1 Marriage is best, not just between two Christians, but between two people with the same values. This is why a couple that spends half their time in the rave, are workaholics, smoke in front of their kids etc you know, not your ordinary billboard couple, are very happily married. No pretenses. Because they have the same values. Okay, so I've established that marriage is good when it's shared by people with he same values. Then, no 2. relationships are NOT Christian. The people in the marriage may be Christians, but the relationship in itself, is a secular institution. Meaning, it doesn't matter how prayerful you are, if you do not insert the 'secular' aspects of relationships into your marriage, things will go north FAST. Grungor says, and I paraphrase again, if you are driving at 180kph on the road to Meru with its sharp sudden turns and all, you will crash, regardless of whether you are playing Hope FM at full blast and you have a crucifix with Jesus hanging on your rear-view mirror. Get it?
But what are these 'secular' things you may ask? I'll tell you what they are not. They are not the 'Christian' assumptions we make. Like, oh, my husband's eyes are sealed by the Holy Spirit, he can see no other woman besides me. Or how about the not needing to look attractive for my husband one? Or not needing to improve my culinary skills because my Christian husband has the fruit of the Spirit; long-suffering. Or how he is supposed to understand and accept my flimsy continual excuses for not having sex. We act like we married the Angel Gabriel and not a mortal man. Say it with me, he is a man of God, but still a man. Oh but don't get me started on the men! How about tearing down your wife and never appreciating her because 'I'M THE MAN!' and she needs to S.U.B.M.I.T. Or never buying roses and taking her out to dinner. She'll understand. She's a Christian. She's got the precious never-been-listed-before gift of understanding. And how precious that gift is to men of God. (Disclaimer; my husband takes me out to dinner every other Friday and I love him to bits!)
I could go on, but let's move over to the statistics and bring this show to a close.
You know, I can instantly cough out a list of people I know that have been married for a number of months, or a couple of years at most. But as soon as I hit the 5 year mark... they begin to get fewer and fewer. By the time I'm at 10 years, I can give you, what, 5 couples? I guess it's possible the year 2000 wasn't a good year for weddings. Ask me how many couples I know that have been married for between 10 and 20 years, I'll tell you 3 or 4 names tops. What happens in between? Why aren't the 2-year couples making it to 7-years? Why aren't the 13-year ones making it to 21 years?
Let me make my point now. I know a good number of couples that I can list that have been married 25, 30, 40, 50, even 70 years. Those are our folks and grandparents. They are still married. Some are widowed or deceased but largely, the died or were widowed while STILL married. So what is happening to US? Why are the numbers dwindling as the years go by? And why did our parents stay together so long? Was it because they were Christians? Don't think so. Some were, yes. But does that mean they never faltered along the way? Don't think so either. I think it's because they learnt early on in life, that it takes a whole lot to stay married.
And the sooner we all learn that, the sooner we accept it, the sooner we move our focus from Cinderella to the real world, the sooner we gain understanding on the concepts of secular relationships, the sooner we will change the face of marriage in our land.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
This IS Africa
"To build a legacy of influence you must exercise moral courage!"
That was the whole point of the sermon this past Sunday. I have never felt as convicted and spurred on to great deeds as I did after that service. I suddenly felt like I could rule the world. I felt like I was the solution to all of Africa's problems. Well, most of them. Okay, a few of them. I felt like wearing a tight suit with a giant 'J' on my chest,(pot and tires notwithstanding) and a cape and flying off of a tall building with the Captain Janet soundtrack blaring in the background. Wow!!
I learned that there are 4 types of people when it comes to reacting to the Matatu menace; Those who shake their heads and inwardly imagine the evil they would mete out on those drivers if they had the chance; Those who honk their horns to oblivion; Those who revenge, overlap and block the Ma3'S; and lastly, those who get out of their cars and confront the drivers in question. I am a definite No. 2. I love it especially when I'm driving the German car with the extremely loud gisty horn. Works all the time!
But how does the honking help? How has it helped to yell inside my car, calling the man an absolute twidiot and exposing my 2 year old to uncalled for anger and words that will make her teacher faint when she uses at school. Will that driver overlap and almost scrape my bumper the next day? I think yes. Have I changed my city, my country, my continent? Err, nope. Have I decreased the chances of another lady-driver with an 'L' sign being harassed by a matatu? Don't think so. What I've done is, I've worn out the horn on my car and decreased it's lifespan significantly.
Okay, so what now? What does Janet have to do to change the world. Well first of all, I can proudly say that I'm putting one Kenyan girl through school, and finding ways to take others through as well. But what about the things that I'm really passionate about. What about my retreat center in Isinya? And my cabins on the mountain? What about my resort at the Coast? What about those things? What about influencing land ownership policies in my country? What about influencing Mike and Makena to vote in the next election? What about my shelter for teens and young women in crisis pregnancies? And my home for the aged? How about those things? What I'm I doing about them? What will people say at my funeral? How many people will really miss me when I die? Will my tombstone bear the words "Here Lies Janet, mother, daughter, sister, wife" Or will there not even be enough space to write all the things I did while on this earth. I guess I'll find out when I get to heaven now won't I?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tujenge Uchumi Yetu
Hmmmm.... so turns out Uchumi Supermarket has found a way to jenga their Uchumi. By ripping off their own customers. But let me be fair. My post on Facebook on the above has drawn a lot of interest including complaints saying the rip offs are not limited to our homegrown supermarket, but also to the other chains like Nakumatt and Tusky's.
So how do they do that?
I'll give you my story. So Saturday after an exhilirating day at my daughter's sports event, I stopped at Uchumi to shop for some guests that I was having later on that day. While I was at the till I noted the cashier running my Alfredos by and then picking the packet up, and running it back again. I was too absorbed to check to see what he was doing so I let it pass. Anyhoo, my three bags were packed and placed on my trolley. On my way out, I remembered that I'd promised to buy Nia a ball so I left my trolley with the guy at the Left Luggage counter and proceeded upstairs. About 5 minutes later I returned to pick my trolley and there was another lady there with another trolley. I remember glancing at hers because I thought, "Hey, didn't I have more shopping than this?" Still, being in a rush, I dashed out and left for home.
On getting home, I realized that I did have more shopping that didn't make it from the supermarket to my car. I was incensed at the thought that someone could take a bag of shopping when I left my trolley at the proper place and informed someone to watch over it for me. So I dashed back while preparing my argument for the manager or employee of the month person that I would make sure learnt of my utmost disgust at how his employees were behaving.
Anyhoo I get to the supermarket and go to customer care and find these gentlemen of Asian origin who are more incensed than I am because they had been informed by an aisle staff that the gas cylinder they were purchasing was 4,500 including the regulator, but on arrival at the till, it was 4,900. So they wanted a refund. The lady bluntly said she could give them a credit note, but they wanted cash, because "we are never shopping at Uchumi again, so we don't want a credit note." Anyway, that went badly. I was next on line, and I blankly said "look I shopped here and forgot to pick one of my bags and I've noticed that I was charged twice for some of the items". Comes the nonchalant response, "Okay what is it that you forgot?" I show her my receipt, she checks her book and says, "Oh you know the guy who was packing them brought a bag with those things, we returned them to the shelves. Just go back and shop for them again, and the things we charged twice, just pick two so that I don't have to give you a credit note."
I had so many questions and things I wanted to say to the lady. But the Asian guy was out-yelling, out-spitting and out-cursing me on all levels. He was MAAAD!!! So I held it in and went back and shopped and got all my stuff back.
But I was curious as to why some of the things weren't listed in her book. Still she let me have them. I supposed I, the customer, was right on that day. I even double shopped so that she didn't have to give me a credit note. Only to learn a couple of days later that they do this AAAALLLLL THE TIIIIIIIMEEE like Jeff. You go to she shelf you pick an item, it says 45bob. Okay, you go the counter, they run it, its 99bob. WTH? Or they run your card twice. Or they run items twice especially when you buy multiple items like 10 packets of milk. And they just hope and pray that they meet a shopper like me who isn't vigilant enough to check her receipt, well NOT ANYMORE UCHUMI! Not anymore. This girl here, is onto you Uchumi. I ain't taking none of that no more.
In fact, let me head off to Uchumi just now, let's catch them at their own game.
So how do they do that?
I'll give you my story. So Saturday after an exhilirating day at my daughter's sports event, I stopped at Uchumi to shop for some guests that I was having later on that day. While I was at the till I noted the cashier running my Alfredos by and then picking the packet up, and running it back again. I was too absorbed to check to see what he was doing so I let it pass. Anyhoo, my three bags were packed and placed on my trolley. On my way out, I remembered that I'd promised to buy Nia a ball so I left my trolley with the guy at the Left Luggage counter and proceeded upstairs. About 5 minutes later I returned to pick my trolley and there was another lady there with another trolley. I remember glancing at hers because I thought, "Hey, didn't I have more shopping than this?" Still, being in a rush, I dashed out and left for home.
On getting home, I realized that I did have more shopping that didn't make it from the supermarket to my car. I was incensed at the thought that someone could take a bag of shopping when I left my trolley at the proper place and informed someone to watch over it for me. So I dashed back while preparing my argument for the manager or employee of the month person that I would make sure learnt of my utmost disgust at how his employees were behaving.
Anyhoo I get to the supermarket and go to customer care and find these gentlemen of Asian origin who are more incensed than I am because they had been informed by an aisle staff that the gas cylinder they were purchasing was 4,500 including the regulator, but on arrival at the till, it was 4,900. So they wanted a refund. The lady bluntly said she could give them a credit note, but they wanted cash, because "we are never shopping at Uchumi again, so we don't want a credit note." Anyway, that went badly. I was next on line, and I blankly said "look I shopped here and forgot to pick one of my bags and I've noticed that I was charged twice for some of the items". Comes the nonchalant response, "Okay what is it that you forgot?" I show her my receipt, she checks her book and says, "Oh you know the guy who was packing them brought a bag with those things, we returned them to the shelves. Just go back and shop for them again, and the things we charged twice, just pick two so that I don't have to give you a credit note."
I had so many questions and things I wanted to say to the lady. But the Asian guy was out-yelling, out-spitting and out-cursing me on all levels. He was MAAAD!!! So I held it in and went back and shopped and got all my stuff back.
But I was curious as to why some of the things weren't listed in her book. Still she let me have them. I supposed I, the customer, was right on that day. I even double shopped so that she didn't have to give me a credit note. Only to learn a couple of days later that they do this AAAALLLLL THE TIIIIIIIMEEE like Jeff. You go to she shelf you pick an item, it says 45bob. Okay, you go the counter, they run it, its 99bob. WTH? Or they run your card twice. Or they run items twice especially when you buy multiple items like 10 packets of milk. And they just hope and pray that they meet a shopper like me who isn't vigilant enough to check her receipt, well NOT ANYMORE UCHUMI! Not anymore. This girl here, is onto you Uchumi. I ain't taking none of that no more.
In fact, let me head off to Uchumi just now, let's catch them at their own game.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Things that make me go grrrrrrrr!!!!
I've been thinking today about things that make me go grrrrrr!! And I wonder if it's God's way of testing my patience, but why on earth am I surrounded by grrrrr things and people??? Maybe it's the nailbrush my brother and I pinched from the supermarket at Valley Arcade when we were tots. I always knew that incident would come back to bite me in the bum.
MY TOP FIVE GRRRRRs.
1. The cops on the Bunyala Rd, roundabout. VERY BIG GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! How does it take someone 1 hour and 20 mins to come down the hill from Upperhill to Nakumatt Mega. Or an hour to make it from Baricho Rd, to the Bunyala Road roundabout. And the comeback is always that they are trying to clear town, or clear Mombasa Rd, but seriously, if it was working, then I would be able to access my house in South C, without having to once again sit in half an hour of traffic because everyone is trying to get away from Mombasa Road. I mean seriously, Bunyala Road cops, seriously, cars can join Uhuru Highway from Aerodrome Road express. My husband taught me that if you have a right-angled triangle (such as is Nyayo Stadium) it is faster to go through the hypotenuse than it is walking round the right-angle. Granted I had no clue what he was on about, but it can't be faster to go down to the Nyayo Stadium roundabout and then access Bunyala Roundabout, than it is to go through Aerodrome Road. Seriously.
2. Single moms who won't give up their lifestyles for the sake of the children. Now I'm not saying that you should die when you have a baby, and not rave, or treat yourself to a weekend in Mombasa, but for crying out loud, it is not right for your toddler to be eating Ugali and Sausages for dinner, and to not have a snack for break time the next day, when you are hosting parties every weekend, complete with booze enough to float the Likoni ferry (okay, it doesn't take much to float the ferry I know). WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES???? Don't come asking me for 200bob to buy crisps and juice for your child, and then spend 50bob of it on Chocobomb! What on earth?? And then you are going to attempt to call your babydaddy and take him on a guilt trip which brings me to point no...
3. Single moms who cling film their baby daddies and expect fresh water to come out of the Dead Sea. Hear hear. The man has never WILLINGLY done anything for the child since they found out you were pregnant. You've had to beg, grovel, threaten, flirt, plead, be nice, reunite.... to get him THAT ONE TIME to bring a bag of diapers. Even then he has stated that he is "working things out" or "doesn't have a regular income" or "is doing the best he can" or the classic "isn't sure he is ready to be a father". You probably should have though about that before the sex no? Which brings me to no...
4. Women who when already pregnant strongly believe its THEIR body, and I have a right to choose whether or not to keep this baby. No lady, you HAD a right to choose. You chose to have sex, unprotected sex. As soon as God CHOSE to bless you with a child, you lady, lost the right to CHOOSE whether to have it. It's no longer just your body you are making 'choices' for, there is another human being who deserves to make his own choice as well. He just doesn't have a voice. I wonder if barren women CHOOSE not to have productive wombs. I just wonder...
5. Back to my not-so-serious grrrrrs... The guards at Landmark Plaza. "Madam unaenda kuona nani?" I'm going to my gynaecologist, do you want to know why as well? Msscheeew. "Enda parking ya 1st floor". Ari wharr? When I get to the "1st floor" parking, the next askari AGAIN, asks me where I'm going?? Eh? Dude refer to guard no. 1 at the gate. Then the best comes when I'm leaving. "Madam, hii siyo njia ya kutoka. Reverse tu mpaka kule juu halafu uzunguke hivi round. DUDE I'M ALREADY AT THE GATE, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS LET ME LEAVE. "Imeandikwa wapi njia ya kutoka??? Unangojea mpaka nifike hapa ndio unirudishe?" I snort back. Needless to say, I reversed back for about 100 metres and came back to the SAME GATE that only a minute ago I was a metre away from. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
MY TOP FIVE GRRRRRs.
1. The cops on the Bunyala Rd, roundabout. VERY BIG GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! How does it take someone 1 hour and 20 mins to come down the hill from Upperhill to Nakumatt Mega. Or an hour to make it from Baricho Rd, to the Bunyala Road roundabout. And the comeback is always that they are trying to clear town, or clear Mombasa Rd, but seriously, if it was working, then I would be able to access my house in South C, without having to once again sit in half an hour of traffic because everyone is trying to get away from Mombasa Road. I mean seriously, Bunyala Road cops, seriously, cars can join Uhuru Highway from Aerodrome Road express. My husband taught me that if you have a right-angled triangle (such as is Nyayo Stadium) it is faster to go through the hypotenuse than it is walking round the right-angle. Granted I had no clue what he was on about, but it can't be faster to go down to the Nyayo Stadium roundabout and then access Bunyala Roundabout, than it is to go through Aerodrome Road. Seriously.
2. Single moms who won't give up their lifestyles for the sake of the children. Now I'm not saying that you should die when you have a baby, and not rave, or treat yourself to a weekend in Mombasa, but for crying out loud, it is not right for your toddler to be eating Ugali and Sausages for dinner, and to not have a snack for break time the next day, when you are hosting parties every weekend, complete with booze enough to float the Likoni ferry (okay, it doesn't take much to float the ferry I know). WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES???? Don't come asking me for 200bob to buy crisps and juice for your child, and then spend 50bob of it on Chocobomb! What on earth?? And then you are going to attempt to call your babydaddy and take him on a guilt trip which brings me to point no...
3. Single moms who cling film their baby daddies and expect fresh water to come out of the Dead Sea. Hear hear. The man has never WILLINGLY done anything for the child since they found out you were pregnant. You've had to beg, grovel, threaten, flirt, plead, be nice, reunite.... to get him THAT ONE TIME to bring a bag of diapers. Even then he has stated that he is "working things out" or "doesn't have a regular income" or "is doing the best he can" or the classic "isn't sure he is ready to be a father". You probably should have though about that before the sex no? Which brings me to no...
4. Women who when already pregnant strongly believe its THEIR body, and I have a right to choose whether or not to keep this baby. No lady, you HAD a right to choose. You chose to have sex, unprotected sex. As soon as God CHOSE to bless you with a child, you lady, lost the right to CHOOSE whether to have it. It's no longer just your body you are making 'choices' for, there is another human being who deserves to make his own choice as well. He just doesn't have a voice. I wonder if barren women CHOOSE not to have productive wombs. I just wonder...
5. Back to my not-so-serious grrrrrs... The guards at Landmark Plaza. "Madam unaenda kuona nani?" I'm going to my gynaecologist, do you want to know why as well? Msscheeew. "Enda parking ya 1st floor". Ari wharr? When I get to the "1st floor" parking, the next askari AGAIN, asks me where I'm going?? Eh? Dude refer to guard no. 1 at the gate. Then the best comes when I'm leaving. "Madam, hii siyo njia ya kutoka. Reverse tu mpaka kule juu halafu uzunguke hivi round. DUDE I'M ALREADY AT THE GATE, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS LET ME LEAVE. "Imeandikwa wapi njia ya kutoka??? Unangojea mpaka nifike hapa ndio unirudishe?" I snort back. Needless to say, I reversed back for about 100 metres and came back to the SAME GATE that only a minute ago I was a metre away from. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
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