Secular Doses

I've been thinking long and hard this week. Okay, I always think long and hard. My head is one big thinking machine. I worry that my thoughts will kill me. Probably why I needed this outlet to begin with.

Last week at parenting class, I met Tony who runs the Pre Marital Counselling Ministry at Mavuno. It was one of those God-incidences because turns out, the said ministry is in dire need of married couples to counsel those intending to walk in that path, (as well as those intending to walk AWAY from that path). Still I feel completely inadequate, I mean, HB and I's 7-month experience is nothing compared to the experience of people married 10 years and over. We may just end up arranging the chairs for class, anything to help. But seemingly there aren't enough married people in the church to give Godly counsel to these people. Or if they are, they aren't volunteering. But I'll write this assuming the former.

Why aren't Christian marriages working nowadays? Why am I hearing stories of people that stayed married for a cool two months and called it quits. People in church by the way. I'm not talking about Elin and Tiger. I'm talking about me and you. All church-ed up and Christian; bible-toting and scripture-quoting. We who pray and fast for God to send the 'right' person. We who kneel down in prayer at the aisle and share communion to seal our relationships. Why aren't we able to stay married? And if we are still married, why have we settled into being unhappily married? Why are we the ones hiding the sighs and tears behind the smiles? And no, I'm not saying that marriage isn't without it's sighs and tears.

I'm reading a book called "The DNA of Relationships" and in the intro Greg Smalley son of renowned marriage counselor Dr. Gary Smalley, describes how unhappily married he was for a long time despite his background and despite him announcing to his newlywed wife when they first got married that "..We won't be like those other couples who fight and get divorced. We will have a wonderful marriage.." Paraphrase. But he soon realized that happy marriage wasn't automatic. And this is what got me thinking. Thinking about Christian marriages in 2010, particularly in Kenya.

See, there is a general assumption that if two Christians get married, they will live happily ever after and run through the prairie with butterflies all around them.... you catch my drift. Mark Grungor of the "Laugh your way to a better marriage" fame aptly describes it when he sings and dances to "Somewhere over the rainbow.." It's painful to watch and listen to. But isn't that what we Christians believe? That if we are equally yoked, and read our bibles and pray everyday, and attend church with 'wifey' and 'hubby' in matching outfits, that it will be well with us and our marriages. At least that's what I thought. I thought everything would fall into place and I would automatically have such happy marriage, because HB was into God just like I was.

Boy was I wrong. I know all about the sighs and tears.

So 7 months down the line I'm finding myself dumping my auto-gear marriage and engaging a stick-shift instead. Because I've discovered that I need to manually shift things in my marriage for it to move in the direction that I want it to. I can't just put it into 'drive' and hope for the best. I might just find myself "Somewhere over the rainbow.." and HB on the other end of the rainbow wondering where I went.

So here is the thing. No. 1 Marriage is best, not just between two Christians, but between two people with the same values. This is why a couple that spends half their time in the rave, are workaholics, smoke in front of their kids etc you know, not your ordinary billboard couple, are very happily married. No pretenses. Because they have the same values. Okay, so I've established that marriage is good when it's shared by people with he same values. Then, no 2. relationships are NOT Christian. The people in the marriage may be Christians, but the relationship in itself, is a secular institution. Meaning, it doesn't matter how prayerful you are, if you do not insert the 'secular' aspects of relationships into your marriage, things will go north FAST. Grungor says, and I paraphrase again, if you are driving at 180kph on the road to Meru with its sharp sudden turns and all, you will crash, regardless of whether you are playing Hope FM at full blast and you have a crucifix with Jesus hanging on your rear-view mirror. Get it?

But what are these 'secular' things you may ask? I'll tell you what they are not. They are not the 'Christian' assumptions we make. Like, oh, my husband's eyes are sealed by the Holy Spirit, he can see no other woman besides me. Or how about the not needing to look attractive for my husband one? Or not needing to improve my culinary skills because my Christian husband has the fruit of the Spirit; long-suffering. Or how he is supposed to understand and accept my flimsy continual excuses for not having sex. We act like we married the Angel Gabriel and not a mortal man. Say it with me, he is a man of God, but still a man. Oh but don't get me started on the men! How about tearing down your wife and never appreciating her because 'I'M THE MAN!' and she needs to S.U.B.M.I.T. Or never buying roses and taking her out to dinner. She'll understand. She's a Christian. She's got the precious never-been-listed-before gift of understanding. And how precious that gift is to men of God. (Disclaimer; my husband takes me out to dinner every other Friday and I love him to bits!)

I could go on, but let's move over to the statistics and bring this show to a close.

You know, I can instantly cough out a list of people I know that have been married for a number of months, or a couple of years at most. But as soon as I hit the 5 year mark... they begin to get fewer and fewer. By the time I'm at 10 years, I can give you, what, 5 couples? I guess it's possible the year 2000 wasn't a good year for weddings. Ask me how many couples I know that have been married for between 10 and 20 years, I'll tell you 3 or 4 names tops. What happens in between? Why aren't the 2-year couples making it to 7-years? Why aren't the 13-year ones making it to 21 years?

Let me make my point now. I know a good number of couples that I can list that have been married 25, 30, 40, 50, even 70 years. Those are our folks and grandparents. They are still married. Some are widowed or deceased but largely, the died or were widowed while STILL married. So what is happening to US? Why are the numbers dwindling as the years go by? And why did our parents stay together so long? Was it because they were Christians? Don't think so. Some were, yes. But does that mean they never faltered along the way? Don't think so either. I think it's because they learnt early on in life, that it takes a whole lot to stay married.

And the sooner we all learn that, the sooner we accept it, the sooner we move our focus from Cinderella to the real world, the sooner we gain understanding on the concepts of secular relationships, the sooner we will change the face of marriage in our land.